I don't know how many of you have read the original, but it's one of the most creative pieces of writing I have ever read. I took her work, and turned it into the same thing, but LDS style, using the same syntax and such. I think it turned out pretty good.
Wash the children’s clothes on Saturday and put them on their beds; wash your clothes on Monday, and place them on hangers to dry; don’t wear short-shorts in the summer sun; cook funeral potatoes in very sharp cheddar cheese; soak stained clothes right after you spill food on; when buying fabric to make daughters a prom dress, be sure that it is sturdy, because that way it will dry-clean after a dance; crock-pot stew overnight before you serve it; is it true that you sing The Osmonds in Sunday School? Never eat your food in a deacon way that it makes the Sisters gossip; on Sundays try to dress in your best, and not like the whore the world is bent on you becoming; don’t sing The Osmonds in Sunday School; You mustn’t date before you’re sixteen or shallow boys will follow you; but I don’t sing The Osmonds on Sundays at all and never in Sunday School; this is how you cross-stitch; this is how you find a frame for the pattern you just cross-stitched; this is how you bend down to see if your hem is to short so you don’t become the whore the world is bent on you becoming; this is how you iron your husband’s white shirt so that the collar doesn’t stick up; this is how you iron your husband’s suit pants so that they have a crease; this is how you grow food storage for the family, because obedience brings blessings; when you are growing corn, make sure you are humble and thank God while you are eating it; this is how you quilt a corner; this is how you quilt an entire blanket; then you should give it to someone else; this is how you pray for someone that you don’t like too much; this is how you serve someone you don’t like at all; this is how you love someone you forgive completely; this is how you bring your children to dinner; this is how you make memories at dinner; this is how you set the table for dinner with the missionaries; this is how you pack a sack for lunch; this is how you cook your teenagers in seminary breakfast; this is how you act at all times, all things, and in all places so that men won’t think of you as the whore the world laughs at you becoming; make sure to be clean always, even if it sacrifices popularity; never talk during a fireside, you are not a deacon, you know; don’t gossip on people’s lives, you might hurt someone; never think judgments about people, because you are not perfect at all; this is how you make jell-o pudding; this is how to make orange rolls; this is how you nurture flower pots; this is how you nurture a child with a cold; this is how you make a good memory to treasure a child before it becomes an adult; this is how you pass a test; this is how to change a grade you don’t like, and that way integrity will imprint on you; this is how to find a good man; this is how a good man finds you; this is how you marry a man, and if that doesn’t work, don’t give up, this is God’s only way; this is how to have joy if you desire to, and this is how to find it again if it disappears from you; this is how debt creates tragedy; always qualify for a current temple recommend to make sure God knows you’re worthy; but what if God doesn’t think you’re worthy? You mean to believe that after all you are going to be the kind of Saint that God won’t let into his temple?
~DaLe 09.01.08 at 4:45pm
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